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Quintessential Thought

Often times we will ask somebody for some thing, and it's not actually an ask: it's a demand.

We were teaching a class one time, and a student sent to another student, “hey! Do you want to write that down?” They weren't actually curious about their desire of writing. :-) It was a demand phrased as a question. This can lead to false agreement, and over time, resentment.

When dealing with other humans, we all like to feel in control. “Getting to Yes” can be damaging over the long term by “forcing” someone into something phrased as a demand. When we make requests (if they are truly requests), we respect and honor the other person by recognizing their ability to say no to our request. This can come with consequences, and the result is often less damaging than false agreement only to be declined later.

Quotes

“Get out of the yes business altogether, and get into the agreement and long-term trusted relationship business.” Chris Voss

“We get to a different place with people when we are clear about what we want, rather than just telling them what we don’t want.” Marshall Rosenberg

“Learn to replace complaining with making requests and taking action that will achieve your desired outcomes.” Jack Canfield

Quick Step

Think carefully about next time you ask something of someone else. Are you giving them the option to say no? If not, try thinking of what your options are if they say no. This can set you up for freeing you to make requests.

Question

How often do you make demands? Where has this caused challenges in the past?

Workshop it!

Want to learn how to make requests? Want to reduce flooding in yourself and others? Join Mark and Chris in their exclusive workshop to help you transform how you see conflict:

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